I made it down to the river. Hiking about two miles down this trail seems to have helped me forget many of the worries and obsessions I had when I set off on this journey. I was so obsessed with my thoughts during the half hour drive here, that if I had to rely solely on my memory to return home, I surely would be lost. GPS got me here, and sadly I’ll have to rely on GPS to get me home. But, in the meantime. I have made it to the river. Where my worries are gone.

The more physical distance I put between myself and my home, the more I start to get ME out of my head. The things I’ve so trained my brain – no, not trained, but allowed my brain – to obsess about. They have been left behind. Here I am with the sun glistening off the high, flowing river. The fresh air, helping me focus on the present. I am no longer in the same places of worry, of pain, of sadness, of hurt. I am just here. I am looking up and down river, taking it in. I feel at peace.

On the hike here I went through so many of the same discussions and arguments. I went over so many of the same hurts and ‘if onlys’ with him in my head. None of them solving the issues, I suppose. Even now, I start to want to pick them back up – beware!

But, the father down the path I walked, I started asking myself what it is that will drive me forward? What are the next things for me? I start reflecting on concepts from two books I’ve been reading lately, Repacking Your Bags (by Richard Leider & David Shapiro) and Journey to the Heart (by Melody Beatie). This is a time for a new beginning. And, whether that means drastic changes in my life, or just subtle reflections and small promises to myself, to be more true to myself, it doesn’t matter. Large or small, this year holds a new journey. One that might be traveled externally, and most certainly will be traveled internally.

Maybe it’s time to open my bags, critically review what I have packed and decide what I want to continue to carry. What do I need? And which direction am I going now? Lots more to unpack here! (Pun intended.)

Then eventually I even let go of the thoughts about what is next for me and my life and I start to just take it in. I let go of the letdown I felt about the fact that a third of the trail is actually just a gravel road and not a trail. I accept it. I start so smile to myself. I see birds I hadn’t see before – and so close to me on the trail! Were they always that close? I start to feel a little bit at one with my surroundings. No, I can’t claim to communicate with the animals! I just relax into the space. Where I am.

This journey is similar to the practice of silence and solitude, which I’ve been ‘practicing’, and failing at a bit, the past week. Like practicing silence and solitude – through the walking, I am slowly able to back away and view myself and those around me with compassion.

I was able to get ME out of my head for a period time during my hike. Sometimes these journeys don’t help in getting me out of my way, sometimes I continue to ruminate on the same stories the entire time I’m walking. But, more often than not, I get beyond myself. I start to see the bigger picture.

On the way back to my car, the normal ME thoughts start to come back, but not nearly as strong. I am not quite so absorbed in myself; I am still a part of the surroundings. I still notice the fresh air in my lungs and the open space in the inter woods. I smell the pine under my feet as I venture off the trail to get around a fallen tree. I am present. I am open.